I have a pretty great memory or so I thought. As time goes on we all forget. No matter how many times we are told we don't listen. I am listening. I want to go back and read this some day and smile like I am smiling now, because I think this is the real deal I think this is forever. This is so different than anything before it.
Where was I when it started? Not physically but emotionally.
I was alone, I was content, I was enjoying the single life of a comfortably well off bachelor.
I came and went as I saw fit. I did however notice that I was taking things from people. Single serving friends was a thing for me. I would go places or do things in order to satisfy emotional needs. I would base many of my decisions on what I was going to get out of going someplace. I knew places they would be happy to see me, I knew places I could go and talk to certain people about certain things. I noticed a pattern after a while. I didn't have a "girl connection".
Belinda actually pointed it out. Who knows what we were talking about but she said something about me not having a female friend to hang out with to center me for "girl friend time, because girl time is different than boy time.". I grew up around a lot of girls and spent a lot of time with my mother. I am very centered as far as masculine and feminine roles go. My mother taught me everything I needed to know in order to survive in a world without her so in a world with no one to "take care" of me. She taught me to sew, cook, knit, shop, clean, iron, make the bed...everything she knew how to do and expected me to do it better. It has been two years at this point since Brittany was my roomie and almost a year since she died. It has been five almost six since Lisa and I split up. So, yes it has been a while since I had a girl around to balance me.
I joined several dating sites and was fairly successful on the ones where people read profiles. I met some really great women and so not so great women. I met some women that were just lonely too. I felt bad for them but, I was not going to save anyone at that point. I joined not because I thought I would find my best friend and possibly the love of my life, I joined to find a friend. I was looking for someone out of my social circle and possibly outside of anyplace that I would ever go. I was looking for a foreigner in all aspects of the word. I was looking for someone with similar life experiences, someone that could teach me new things. I was looking for someone I could teach also. I knew it would be someone much younger or much older. I decided to be open about the whole thing.
I had a good talk with Heather while in Colorado and she made some good points. She actually told me to broaden my age range, so I did. I decided that I was going to be fair if I could talk to 22 year olds I could also talk to 56 year olds. Well there are not a whole lot of 56 year old women on these sites from what I could tell and the ones there seemed too stuff or too wild and crazy because all of the kids were gone and it was time to celebrate their life. The 22 year old women were still girls for the most part, some had pretty decent heads on their shoulders but their youth reared its head in very ugly ways. The ones I found made this apparent often. So I narrowed my search by five years. This seemed to work out better.
At this point I had decided that I was looking for something more serious, time to change the tone of my profile. At this time I was down to one site and one profile the rest were meat markets, hook up sites or games and superficial people. I did actually do some social experimentation while I was a member. I would take pictures in front of my material goods or while having a party or something. The pictures made a big difference in the responses you get and the caliber of person you talk to. I got tired and left the sites all together. A few months went by and I decided that I would find a way to present myself to the dating world as I truly felt I was. I read so many profiles and got bad vibes, bitchy vibes, I didn't want to be those people because I am not those people. I sat down picked my pictures and then wrote an as a matter of fact here I am here is what I am looking for profile. I then decided to find something similar something that someone put in a little effort writing and not just venting.
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